How to Win Friends and Influence People
The book ‘How to win friends and influence people’ was recommended to me by a good old friend of mine from college. How to win friends and influence people is the first book that I’ve enjoyed reading and it was my stepping stone to reading. The book is written by Dale Carnegie and I recommend you all to read this book if you want to start reading self-help books. The book helps the readers in many aspects related to building long-lasting relationships in personal as well as business life.
Table of Contents
Fundamental techniques in handling people
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
Far too often, you don’t criticize yourselves for anything. When feeling threatened, you just try to justify your actions through reasoning, deceitful beliefs, or logic. And your beliefs that it’s a genuine mistake.
‘’Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves.’’ – Dale Carnegie
A study by B.F Skinner shows that animals learn faster when rewarded for good behavior rather than punishing animals for bad behavior. Further studies indicate that the same principle applies to us too.
When you criticize, condemn, or complain, you will only leave a bitter taste in the other person’s mouth. You don’t gain anything but resentment from criticizing, condemning, and complaining.
Still, everyone blames others instead of themselves. It’s deeply rooted in us because we all don’t like being wrong and only point out others for their mistakes.
So, the next time when you are tempted to criticize or condemn, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do. And put yourself in their shoes.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged” The bible
After all, we are emotional creatures.
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” – Dale Carnegie
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important” – John Dewey.
Imagine what kind of wonderful things come out when you make the other person feel important. Honest and sincere appreciation is one of our greatest assets to have, and it’s for free.
Still, many are lavish with appreciating others.
Still, appreciating others is underrated. People tend to do the opposite. We lavishly point out the mistakes of others and never appreciate them when they do something right.
The power of appreciation is immense. But do keep in mind that appreciation is very different from flattering. Appreciations are sincere and come from the heart. Flattering is insincere and do you more harm than good in the long run.
“One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.” – Dale Carnegie
Forget flattery and give others honest and sincere appreciation. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. When you do, people will cherish your words and treasure them over a lifetime.
“I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise” – Charles Schwab
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
In conversations, we tend to talk in terms of our interests. We like to talk or brag about ourselves. Some listen and others don’t.
But one thing is for sure.
Everyone is eternally interested in themselves, in what they want. Not what the others want.
“Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him”
Henry Ford gave one of the best pieces of advice about human relationships. Henry Ford said;
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own”
Yet 90% of the people on earth ignore this fact.
So the key takeaway from principle 3 is to focus on their wants. Talk about the other person’s wants and how he could get them.
Six ways to make people like you
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you” – Dale Carnegie
Often, we try to make others interested in us. It is one of the many blunders we make, and it doesn’t work.
People are interested in themselves, not others. They are not interested in you or me.
You can try to impress others to get them interested in you, but you will never get many true, sincere friends out of it.
“it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who have the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others” – Alfred Adler
Being genuinely interested is the most important quality a person can possess in sales and making friends. So, be thoughtful and unselfish. Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us” – Publilius Syrus
Principle 2: Smile
A genuine smile lights up people’s day. It is something that not many people often do, but it can have a powerful effect on the other person.
When you smile, you say that you like that person, that they make you happy, and that you are glad to see them.
But be careful, a genuine smile is different from an insincere grin. When you smile, you smile from within you. It is heartwarming and kind.
An insincere grin is similar to flattering, people can see through it. You can’t fool anybody with an insincere smile.
So, smile from within.
“Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it” – Dale Carnegie
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
It’s quite common to forget the person’s name when you first met him. It happens to many of us, and we tend to believe that it isn’t a bad thing.
You can forget the name once or twice, but when it often happens, the other person will feel like he isn’t important to you.
Quite frankly, forgetting the name is just the way to say that you don’t have time and energy to remember the names of others.
When you do, you will light up the person’s mood. He will feel important, and most of all, you gave a subtle and very effective compliment.
Remember the name is the simplest, most important, and obvious way to gain goodwill.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
When you are genuinely interested, you tend to be very attentive in listening to that person. It goes well with each other, and It is one of the highest compliments that you can give.
By listening to the other person, you show them that he or she is important. You make them feel important, and that beats every flattering on earth.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
By now, you know that people are interested in themselves and by listening to that person you are already a step closer to making people like you.
But, how do you interest people?
The best way to learn about someone is to talk about the things that interest them.
“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
There is one essential law that all of us should obey. One law has been spoken multiple times throughout this summary.
And the law is always to make the other person feel important.
The desire to be important is the deepest urge and craving in human nature. In fact, most people you meet probably feel they’re superior to you in some way, whether it’s because of their age, their wealth, or their experience.
How to win people to your way of thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Arguments often happen in our daily life. You may have been involved in an argument at home or work, in the past few years. Arguing can be very tempting, especially when we are convinced that we are right.
We can try to convince others that he or she is wrong, but that often leads them to be more convinced that they are right.
“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” – Dale Carnegie
According to Carnegie, people never win arguments. When we win an argument, the other person feels inferior, which means that we have essentially hurt his feelings. And often leads to them resenting us. So even if we win the argument, we lose.
“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love” – Buddha
So, the best way to get out of an argument is to avoid it.
In the article Bits and Pieces, the author gives some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
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Welcome the disagreement
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Distrust your first instinctive impression
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Control your temper
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listen first
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look for areas of agreement
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be honest
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promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully
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Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
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Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
“When one yells, the other should listen – because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise, and bad vibrations.” – Opera tenor Jan Peerce
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’
t is easy to say ‘you’re wrong’ to a person, but doing that will only threaten the other’s self-esteem, intelligence, and pride.
So, how can you point out the other person’s mistake without hurting their feelings?
Be subtle and clever with your words so no one will feel that you are doing it. By admitting that you might be wrong, you disarm the threat of hurting one’s feelings.
People will be more reasonable and open-minded to your point of view.
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself” Galileo
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
A way to get out of trouble is by admitting that you are wrong, but it is harder to admit than you think. Many among us do the complete opposite. We tend to come up with excuses, blaming others or by reasoning.
So, the next time when you know that you are getting scolded or criticized, try to self-criticize and say the things that other people intended to say before he got a chance.
By self-criticizing, you acknowledge your mistakes, which makes the other person more forgiving.
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – ad most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes” – Dale Carnegie
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.” – Dale Carnegie
To win a person to your way of thinking starts with being friendly. We can all force our perspective on others, but that will only lead to undesired results. A person who dislikes you tends not to listen to you.
Even with all the logic in the world, he will not listen to you.
So, why would you try to convince that person? There is nothing to gain because it already started on the wrong foot.
We can’t force someone to accept our ideas, but we can lead them in that direction if we are kind and friendly toward them.
“Gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force.” Dale Carnegie
Principle 5: Get the other person saying. ‘yes, yes’ immediately
Not many know that a ‘yes’ response starts a psychological process in listeners. It moves them in a more agreeable direction and will make the listener more likely to accept your terms. Whereas a ‘no’ response will more likely lead to rejection.
To get a yes response, start by emphasizing the things that you mutually agree on. Keep on emphasizing those things instead of talking about the difference or the points of disagreement. And if possible, make sure that you both have the same goals, the same purpose, and that the only difference is your approach.
Socrates has become famous for his method of questioning others, which forces them to agree with his point of view. It was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response.
The next time you are in an argument or trying to win someone over, try asking questions that will get the “yes, yes” response.
“He who treads softly goes far” – Chinese Proverb Dale Carnegie
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Being a good listener can help you get people to like you, but it can also help you convince people to see things your way.
So, let the other person talk themselves out. Listen patiently with an open mind. Be sincere and encourage them to express themselves.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or her
We all know the feeling of our parents commanding us to do something. And like any other person, we do not like to be told what to do.
So, why do we try the same method with others? Why do tell others to do something for us?
No one enjoys being ordered around. Instead, we prefer to feel like the idea came from our own minds.
Let the other person feel like the idea came from himself and be the one who guides him step by step. This approach works in business as well as in personal life.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
One of the most important things you can do to succeed in human relations is to try to understand them. Try honestly to put yourself in his position and see why he thinks or acts in a certain way.
“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings are important as your own” Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg
The ability to deal effectively with people depends on your ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Did you know that three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungry and thirsty for sympathy?
It is true, and the best way to handle these people is to sympathize with them. Even if those people come to you irritated, annoyed or bigoted.
We shouldn’t criticize them for what they are. Feel sorry for the poor people. Pity them and sympathize with them.
“Sympathy the human species universally craves” – Dr. Arthur I. Gates
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives
In truth, all people have high opinions of themselves and like to think of themselves as kind and generous.
If you want to change someone, appeal to the nobler motives within them.
Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. If they believe that we consider them honest and fair, they will be more likely to react favorably to our requests.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas
It’s not enough to state the truth to be persuasive. We can show statistics and other boring stuff to persuade someone to think in our favor. However, merely stating the truth won’t convince the other person.
The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.
You can dramatize your ideas at work or in other areas of your life. It’s also effective in personal relationships. Even with children.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” Charles Schwab
When nothing else works, try to throw down a challenge. A challenge gives the other person a chance to express themselves. It is a way to motivate people and employees.
And they can show what they’re capable of doing by doing it. A challenge allows them to demonstrate that they are important too.
Be a leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Sometimes, we just have to deal with bad situations. A situation in which you need to point out the other person’s mistakes. In those cases, you don’t have a choice: You have to tell them that he or she is wrong.
And the way to start is by first praising the person before you point out the negatives.
“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points” -Dale Carnegie
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
We discussed not criticizing, condemning, and complaining in principle one of the section; Fundamental techniques in handling people.
But sometimes, criticizing is unavoidable. So, we tend to make the best out of it by starting with praise before calling out the mistake.
Still, the small details have a significant impact on the outcome. Praise followed by the word ‘but’ debunked the praise and let the person know that the praise is deliberately created to point out the failure.
Luckily, this is easily countered by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and’ when you are calling out the mistake.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
When you criticize a person, begin by humbly saying that you are far from perfect too, it’s easier to listen to your criticism when you start with admitting your own mistakes.
“admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.” Dale Carnegie
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Just like any other person, ordering around won’t help you get the best result. In fact, when you give a direct order to someone, he or she will likely do it reluctantly.
Give the other person the opportunity to do things for himself. Let him learn from his own mistakes instead of ordering around.
By giving suggestions or asking questions, you save a person’s pride, and it encourages them to be cooperative instead of rebellious.
It makes the order more palatable and often stimulates the creativity of the person you ask.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime” – Antoine de Saint Exupéry
We have a tendency to be insensitive to the feelings of others, brushing aside their needs and concerns, or making rude remarks that belittle them in front of others.
If you disagree with someone, even if you are right, and he is wrong, your words should be chosen carefully to avoid causing him embarrassment or humiliation.
Let the other person save face!
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.
Praising is often overlooked, whether it’s at work or in social settings. Praising is a small gesture, but can have an immensely positive impact on the other person.
And yet, somehow we are reluctant to praise others and instead give them the cold wind of criticism.
Remember; each one of us craves appreciation and recognition and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity.
So, when you praise someone. Try to be specific with your praise. It will come across as sincere.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
We all have some kind of reputation and standard in life. And, we tend to live up to the expectations of those around us. If you present someone as having a reputation for being wonderful, they will strive to live up to that reputation.
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not” Shakespeare
Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will work hard to uphold it.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Telling someone they are stupid, bad at a certain thing, or are doing it all wrong will likely strip that person of any motivation to improve. Encouraging someone as he or she takes steps toward improvement will inspire a much higher level of motivation to continue.
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window to excel” – Dale Carnegie
Every skill that you want to master can be accomplished by doing it often because practice makes it perfect. That applies to both me and you. So, to encourage others to become better at whatever they are doing, encourage them to keep on going.
And you can motivate those people by praising the things that the other person did right, minimizing the errors, and by celebrating each small improvement.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
“Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest” – Dale Carnegie
We can encourage a person to do what we want by offering incentives, and praise, or by making him feel important.
Here are some tips to help you be an effective leader when you have to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere
- Know what you want the other person to do
- Be empathetic
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
- When making requests, show them the benefits that he or they will gain from it
Although there is no guarantee we will always get the results we want by using these techniques, most people’s experience shows that these approaches are more likely to change attitudes than not using them. In fact, even a 10% improvement in effectiveness as a leader makes us 10% more effective than we were before.